Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dangling with Expression

I know it's an interesting name for a blog post but it just came to me and I am running with it.

Expression is an integral part of everyone's life. There are the expressions that we show on our face, the way that we act and the things that we say (even the witty comments) that convey to the rest of the world our personalities.

I know as someone who worries about other people's opinions on a regular basis I tend to get caught up in the "expression" that I am making. I have also started to realize that out of all the people in the world, I am the least likely person to actually be able to decipher my own expressions. Yes, I can remember parts of conversations that I wish I hadn't said and I think about how I could of conveyed myself differently but I am not a witness to my facial expressions and actions.

I guess for someone like me that is the hardest part about my interactions with people. There are so many things that I want to convey but I get so nervous about situations that they end up going all wrong. There are moments in my life when I would rather just be up front because in one fell swoop I can say what's on my mind rather than beating around the bush. I guess I like that approach because I only have to work up the courage once to express what I want rather than continually analyzing each interaction that takes place. To take a different spin on it, I should be grateful for anytime that I get to interact with people and to be my best self then I shouldn't have to worry about what others think of me.

I am aware of how people express themselves because I have forced myself to pick up on it. In my nature, I am shy and introverted (they are different) which can make it extremely difficult sometimes to express my perspective. There are times when it is extremely difficult for me to let others know how I feel. It could be something as simple as asking someone if they want to have lunch, but I will worry about it and get myself into a tizzy about what to say and how to act. It's a good thing I don't see my own facial expressions that often because it's one less thing to worry about.

I am slowly learning how to better express myself in this world that is made for extroverts. Sometimes, I just wish that I could take the pressure off myself. I want to be able to be myself around someone and for them to pick up on what I am trying to convey and then have the courage to tell me what I want to hear. I want a flawless introduction to a relationship but I also know there is a slim to none chance of that actually happening.

I guess all of these thoughts are leading me back to one conclusion. I have to have more confidence in myself. There are going to be times when what I am conveying is not really what I want to express. I have to strive to be genuine and know that people make mistakes. And in the end, what I wanted to say was expressed somehow, maybe just not the way I wanted it to be. I also have to remember that there is a reason that everything is happening in this way, so small little things that I worry about don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. One day I will get everything I want and when I look back I won't remember what frustrated me when I was trying to get.

I guess my idea of expressing oneself turned into something a whole lot deeper but it's because my emotions are tied into my words and actions and in the end my emotions get the best of me.

Side note: One of the best aspects of expressions is that we can make them our own. One of my grandlittles has perfected the art of catchphrases. I frequently "black out" when I lose my train of thought when I am around her, not to mention all the other catchphrases whose meanings are still unknown.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Dangling with Me

Well, I got back to Athens about 8 hours ago and I have successfully put my luggage away. It's kind of sad that 8 hours of time equals one task complete but I have to catch up with my roommates and get back into the swing of holding a leadership position.

I was kind of stressing about everything that has been going on in my life, so I decided to take a minute for me. I took a shower because it was something that had to happen but I was hoping it would get me out of my frenzied state. It was definitely the best thing I could of done for myself in the moment. I realized that today's society expects a lot out of our generation. I am involved in so many organizations on campus and each one is giving me valuable experience but sometimes everything in my life collides. It makes me question what is really important to me.

I realized tonight that "me" has to be one of my first priorities. I just spent a week at home doing what I wanted. I read a good book, caught up on my tv shows and most importantly caught up with my family and friends. I came back to Athens knowing that I had about two pages worth of stuff to do and hyperventilating when that list was extended. I am so worried about "doing". I realized tonight that I have to combine doing with "being". I want to be a good friend/daughter. I want to be successful. I want to be in love with my endeavors, so that success comes easily. I am living a pretty good life right now but I know I could spend a little bit more time on me.

I have learned that there are numerous people who have let life pass them by. They have done what they needed to do in order to survive but haven't given much thought to everything life has to offer. My resolve is to make sure that I make time for me. In each phase of my life, I want to question myself and make sure that what I am doing is helpful to me. Taking a step back every once in awhile is nice and necessary...hopefully I can make it a more regular habit in the future.